Signs That You’re In The Wrong Religion
- Prayer books contain nothing but show tunes.
- In church, they pass a “specimen plate.”
- Their main prophet is scamming on your girlfriend.
- You must kneel and pray five times a day facing Redmond, Washington.
- The *only* food that you’re allowed to eat is pork.
- “The first reading is from the Book of Newt…”
- Your position in the afterlife depends on how many cleaning products you sell here on earth.
- Larry King’s birthday is the High Holy Day for the year.
- Your new messiah claims to have fed the multitudes with a bucket of chicken, some fries, and a Big Gulp.
- Even though they taste heavenly, you’re pretty sure Malomars are not a sacrament.
- All the commandments begin, “You might be a sinner if…”
- “Sinner of the Week” eligible for valuable prizes.
- Constant fear that the elders will discover the laptop you’ve got squirreled away in the buggy shed.
- Frequency of circumcision increased from once in a lifetime to once a year.
- Communion performed with tortilla chips and a shot of Cuervo.
- A goat is involved in worship in any way.