Today’s Funny: Teen Christian Kit

Teen Christian Kit

New! From Dead Jewellyn, popular mass marketed Christian author and servant of the Lord, Michael Hosannah Divine, the man who brought you such great books as To Pound a Leather Bible and To Carry a Golden Cross brings you The Teen Christian Kit.

You don’t have to wake up early on Sunday and go to boring church with all of those old folks anymore! You don’t have to spend hours slogging through the (YAWN)Bible trying to understand all of those “thees,” “thous,” and “begets.” Now, in just minutes, you can be your VERY OWN POPE!

Inside the attractive cardboard box featuring four mod Christian kids just like you (one of the girls is even wearing JEANS) you will find:

  • A beautifully pressure molded statue of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ made from genuine plastic!
  • A five pound gold (painted) cross for you to wear so there will be no doubt that you are a GROOVY TEEN CHRISTIAN!
  • A vial of instant Holy Water (just add water)
  • A selection of Chick tracts for you to use to convince non believers that, if they don’t accept the unconditional and eternal boundless love of our Lord, they will burn alive in eternal agony while we all laugh at them!

Throw away that Bible, you get Michael Hosannah Divine’s 15 page graphic novel Tune In and Turn On to Jesus! Everyone knows that, even though God is the author and creator of the Universe, he needs bread, man, so you get a genuine collection plate with the words “Give Until After It Hurts” imprinted right on it.

You get everything you need to gather your friends around and start YOUR OWN CHURCH and it’s all contained in a beautiful naugahyde case suitable for beating unbelievers over the head!

The Teen Christian Kit is available at Waldenbooks, Quik Trip, and the Baptist Bookstore. While you are there, look for other fine titles from your groovy happening friends at DEAD JEWELLYN!

— David (Witchboy) Tales1n


Turok’s Cabana


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