Today’s Funny for Feb. 12: The Amish Virus

Thou hast just received the Amish Virus.


As we haveth no technology nor programming experience, this virus worketh on the honour system.

Please delete all the files from thy hard drive and manually forward this virus to all on thy mailing list.

We thank thee for thy cooperation.


— The Amish Computer Engineering Dept.

 

-Turok’s Cabana

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Today’s Funny: Signs That You Are Addicted to Coffee

Signs That You Are Addicted to Coffee


  1. Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
  2. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
  3. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  4. You sleep with your eyes open.
  5. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  6. You lick your coffeepot clean.
  7. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  8. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  9. You can type sixty words a minute with your toes.
  10. You can jump-start your car without cables.
  11. Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
  12. You don’t sweat, you percolate.
  13. You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
  14. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  15. You’ve worn the finish off you coffee table.
  16. The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  17. Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house.
  18. You’re so wired you pick up FM radio.
  19. Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans.”
  20. Instant coffee takes too long.
  21. You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
  22. You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
  23. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
  24. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  25. The only time you look like you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

 

–Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny for January 11: The Cats’ Creation Story

The Cats’ Creation Story


On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created humans to serve the cat.

On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created toil so that humans could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and their humans broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox.

 

Source: Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny: Mirror, Mirror

Mirror, Mirror


Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look too darn tight?
I think I’m fine but I can see
You won’t cooperate with me,
The way you let the shadows play
You’d think my hair was getting gray.
What’s that, you say? A double chin?
No, that’s the way the light comes in,
If you persist in peering so
You’ll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you’re not hanging straight
You’ll tell me next I’m gaining weight,
I’m really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;
I hate you being smug and wise
O, look what’s happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we’re not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
You’ll find yourself in smithereens!!

Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny: Teen Christian Kit

Teen Christian Kit


New! From Dead Jewellyn, popular mass marketed Christian author and servant of the Lord, Michael Hosannah Divine, the man who brought you such great books as To Pound a Leather Bible and To Carry a Golden Cross brings you The Teen Christian Kit.

You don’t have to wake up early on Sunday and go to boring church with all of those old folks anymore! You don’t have to spend hours slogging through the (YAWN)Bible trying to understand all of those “thees,” “thous,” and “begets.” Now, in just minutes, you can be your VERY OWN POPE!

Inside the attractive cardboard box featuring four mod Christian kids just like you (one of the girls is even wearing JEANS) you will find:

  • A beautifully pressure molded statue of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ made from genuine plastic!
  • A five pound gold (painted) cross for you to wear so there will be no doubt that you are a GROOVY TEEN CHRISTIAN!
  • A vial of instant Holy Water (just add water)
  • A selection of Chick tracts for you to use to convince non believers that, if they don’t accept the unconditional and eternal boundless love of our Lord, they will burn alive in eternal agony while we all laugh at them!

Throw away that Bible, you get Michael Hosannah Divine’s 15 page graphic novel Tune In and Turn On to Jesus! Everyone knows that, even though God is the author and creator of the Universe, he needs bread, man, so you get a genuine collection plate with the words “Give Until After It Hurts” imprinted right on it.

You get everything you need to gather your friends around and start YOUR OWN CHURCH and it’s all contained in a beautiful naugahyde case suitable for beating unbelievers over the head!

The Teen Christian Kit is available at Waldenbooks, Quik Trip, and the Baptist Bookstore. While you are there, look for other fine titles from your groovy happening friends at DEAD JEWELLYN!

— David (Witchboy) Tales1n

 

Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny: Santa and The Train Set

Santa and The Train Set

While working in a store as Santa Claus, I had lots of boys ask me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I would tell each one, “you know your dad is going to want to play with it too.  Is that okay?”

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet.  Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him.

He promptly replied, “Another train.”

Today’s Funny: Rules for Being Human

Rules For Being Human


You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called LIFE. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like these lessons or think them irrelevant or stupid. It makes no difference, you will learn lessons.

There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The “failed” experiment that ultimately “works.”

A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.

Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

“There” is no better than “Here.” When your “There” has become a “Here” you will simply obtain another “There” that will again, look better than “Here.”

Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

What you make of life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources that you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is YOURS.

The answers to life’s questions lie inside of you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust

You will get what you ask for. It may not be what you wanted, but it will be what you asked for.

UPON ENTERING THIS LEVEL OF EXISTENCE, YOU WILL FORGET ALL OF THE ABOVE.

 

Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny: Signs That You’re In The Wrong Religion

Signs That You’re In The Wrong Religion


  1. Prayer books contain nothing but show tunes.
  2. In church, they pass a “specimen plate.”
  3. Their main prophet is scamming on your girlfriend.
  4. You must kneel and pray five times a day facing Redmond, Washington.
  5. The *only* food that you’re allowed to eat is pork.
  6. “The first reading is from the Book of Newt…”
  7. Your position in the afterlife depends on how many cleaning products you sell here on earth.
  8. Larry King’s birthday is the High Holy Day for the year.
  9. Your new messiah claims to have fed the multitudes with a bucket of chicken, some fries, and a Big Gulp.
  10. Even though they taste heavenly, you’re pretty sure Malomars are not a sacrament.
  11. All the commandments begin, “You might be a sinner if…”
  12. “Sinner of the Week” eligible for valuable prizes.
  13. Constant fear that the elders will discover the laptop you’ve got squirreled away in the buggy shed.
  14. Frequency of circumcision increased from once in a lifetime to once a year.
  15. Communion performed with tortilla chips and a shot of Cuervo.
  16. A goat is involved in worship in any way.

 

Turok’s Cabana