Today’s Funny for May 3: Irish Joke

Irish Joke


John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

 

–Turok’s Cabana

Advertisements

Today’s Funny for April 21: Praise to Caffeina

Praise to Caffeina


Hail to Thee, Great Lady of the Morning!
Thy sweet aroma fills my soul with wakefulness!
Lo though the multitudes lie abed in sloth
Thou hast mercy on the sleeping!
Thou desirest the productivity of the masses!
Thou callest me to drink of the Elixer of Life,
I am refreshed!
The employer rejoiceth for the employees arrive in a timely manner!
The drivers praise Thy name!
Thy drink is better than wine,
Bring the best cream and fine breadstuffs.
Worship Her mill with gladness,
For She waketh the world with warmth.
Copyright � 2000 Kenn Baum
Published on Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny for April 12: A Fairy Tale for Assertive Women

A Fairy Tale for Assertive Women


Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess’ lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil Witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, on a repast of lightly sauted frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: “I don’t think so.”

–Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny for April 11th: Home Remedies That Really Work

Home Remedies That Really Work


  1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
  2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
  3. Avoid arguments about lifting or lowering the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
  4. For high blood pressure sufferers: Just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
  5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, and then you will be afraid to cough.
  7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
  8. You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

Note: When applying these home remedies, remember to be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

 

–Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny for April 7: Rules For Being Human

Rules For Being Human


You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called LIFE. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like these lessons or think them irrelevant or stupid. It makes no difference, you will learn lessons.

There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The “failed” experiment that ultimately “works.”

A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.

Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

“There” is no better than “Here.” When your “There” has become a “Here” you will simply obtain another “There” that will again, look better than “Here.”

Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

What you make of life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources that you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is YOURS.

The answers to life’s questions lie inside of you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust

You will get what you ask for. It may not be what you wanted, but it will be what you asked for.

UPON ENTERING THIS LEVEL OF EXISTENCE, YOU WILL FORGET ALL OF THE ABOVE.

 

–Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny: Top Ten Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Religion

Top Ten Reasons Why
Beer Is Better Than Religion


  1. If you have a beer, you don’t go around door to door trying to give it to someone else.
  2. You can prove that you have a beer.
  3. It is against the law to offer beer to little children who are not old enough to think for themselves.
  4. Nobody has ever been hanged, tortured, or burned at the stake over his particular brand of beer.
  5. If you have a beer, you don’t have to wait over 2000 years for another one.
  6. There are many federal laws that make them print the truth on beer labels.
  7. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
  8. Beer does not tell you when or how to have sex.
  9. There have been virtually no major wars fought over beer.
  10. If you have devoted your entire life to beer, there are groups you can join to help you stop!

–Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny for Mar. 28: How to Live a Long Life

How to Live a Long Life


A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step: “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?”

 

“I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day”, she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and do no exercise at all.”

“This is absolutely amazing at your age!”, says the passer-by. “How old are you?”

“Twenty four.”

–Turok’s Cabana