Today’s Funny: Santa and The Train Set

Santa and The Train Set

While working in a store as Santa Claus, I had lots of boys ask me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I would tell each one, “you know your dad is going to want to play with it too.  Is that okay?”

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet.  Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him.

He promptly replied, “Another train.”

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Today’s Funny: Rules for Being Human

Rules For Being Human


You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called LIFE. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like these lessons or think them irrelevant or stupid. It makes no difference, you will learn lessons.

There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The “failed” experiment that ultimately “works.”

A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.

Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

“There” is no better than “Here.” When your “There” has become a “Here” you will simply obtain another “There” that will again, look better than “Here.”

Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

What you make of life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources that you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is YOURS.

The answers to life’s questions lie inside of you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust

You will get what you ask for. It may not be what you wanted, but it will be what you asked for.

UPON ENTERING THIS LEVEL OF EXISTENCE, YOU WILL FORGET ALL OF THE ABOVE.

 

Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny: Signs That You’re In The Wrong Religion

Signs That You’re In The Wrong Religion


  1. Prayer books contain nothing but show tunes.
  2. In church, they pass a “specimen plate.”
  3. Their main prophet is scamming on your girlfriend.
  4. You must kneel and pray five times a day facing Redmond, Washington.
  5. The *only* food that you’re allowed to eat is pork.
  6. “The first reading is from the Book of Newt…”
  7. Your position in the afterlife depends on how many cleaning products you sell here on earth.
  8. Larry King’s birthday is the High Holy Day for the year.
  9. Your new messiah claims to have fed the multitudes with a bucket of chicken, some fries, and a Big Gulp.
  10. Even though they taste heavenly, you’re pretty sure Malomars are not a sacrament.
  11. All the commandments begin, “You might be a sinner if…”
  12. “Sinner of the Week” eligible for valuable prizes.
  13. Constant fear that the elders will discover the laptop you’ve got squirreled away in the buggy shed.
  14. Frequency of circumcision increased from once in a lifetime to once a year.
  15. Communion performed with tortilla chips and a shot of Cuervo.
  16. A goat is involved in worship in any way.

 

Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny: Phrases You Wish You Could Say At Work

Phrases You Wish You Could Say At Work

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  1. If you got payed a nickel for every stupid idea you had, you’d be a millionaire.
  2. Just when I thought you couldn’t say anything dumber, you keep talking!
  3. I’d smack you in the head, but shit splatters!
  4. That’s so cute… you’d think I give a shit!
  5. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  6. Ah, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again.
  7. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
  8. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  9. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
  10. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
  11. Chaos, panic, and disorder: my work here is done.
  12. Do I look like a people person?
  13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  14. How about never? Is never good for you?
  15. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  16. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
  17. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  18. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
  19. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
  20. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  21. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  22. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
  23. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  24. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  25. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  26. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
  27. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  28. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
  29. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
  30. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

 

Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny: Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night


Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

— Dylan Thomas

 

Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny: Signs That You Have Had Too Much To Drink

Signs That You Have Had Too Much To Drink


  1. Her lips may be saying, “Baaaaa,” but her eyes are screaming, “YES!”
  2. The Surgeon General suggests that you take up smoking instead.
  3. You try to claim Jose Cuervo as a dependent on your tax return.
  4. You wake up naked in a strange car, with a painfully fresh piercing in your genitals.
  5. Bush’s foreign policy seems shrewd and effective.
  6. Finding the clothes you wore last night involves crossing state lines.

Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny: Signs That You Are Addicted to Coffee

Signs That You Are Addicted to Coffee


  1. Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
  2. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
  3. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  4. You sleep with your eyes open.
  5. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  6. You lick your coffeepot clean.
  7. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  8. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  9. You can type sixty words a minute with your toes.
  10. You can jump-start your car without cables.
  11. Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
  12. You don’t sweat, you percolate.
  13. You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
  14. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  15. You’ve worn the finish off you coffee table.
  16. The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  17. Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house.
  18. You’re so wired you pick up FM radio.
  19. Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans.”
  20. Instant coffee takes too long.
  21. You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
  22. You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
  23. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
  24. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  25. The only time you look like you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

 

Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny: How to Live a Long Life

How to Live a Long Life


A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step: “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?”

“I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day”, she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and do no exercise at all.”

“This is absolutely amazing at your age!”, says the passer-by. “How old are you?”

“Twenty four.”

Source: Turok’s Cabana