Today’s Funny for March 25: Fashion No-Nos

Fashion No-Nos


As we all get older in the our Community, it is easy to get confused about how we should present ourselves. We’re unsure as we try to be nice and harmonize with the fashions that younger members of our community have adopted.

So I’ve made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results. Despite what you may have seen on the streets or at social gatherings, the following combinations do not go together and thus should be avoided:

  1. A eyebrow piercing and bifocals
  2. Pony tails and bald spots
  3. A pierced tongue and dentures
  4. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
  5. Nipple jewelry and a gall bladder surgery scar
  6. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
  7. Tattoos and liver spots or varicose veins
  8. Belly-button piercings and old pregnancy stretch marks
  9. Skyclad and Depends.

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

–Turok’s Cabana

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Today’s Funny: Home Remedies That Really Work

Home Remedies That Really Work


  1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
  2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
  3. Avoid arguments about lifting or lowering the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
  4. For high blood pressure sufferers: Just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
  5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, and then you will be afraid to cough.
  7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
  8. You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

Note: When applying these home remedies, remember to be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

 

Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny for March 5: Raising Kids

Raising Kids


Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even the God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids.


After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said was: “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Adam replied.

“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,” God said.

“Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve… we got forbidden fruit!”

“No way!”

“Way!”

“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.

“Why?”

“Because I am your Father and I said so!” said God (wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants).

A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry. “Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” God asked.

“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you?”

“I dunno” Eve answered.

“She started it!” Adam said.

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“DID NOT!”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

 

Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny for Feb. 20: Good Advice

Good Advice


Sometimes humor is not direct. Here is a list of serious, non-humorous advice. The humor comes if you don’t follow it, with yourself as the butt of the joke.


  1. Before turning to prayer or magick, use the strengths and abilities within yourself. It’s simpler that way.
  2. Ask for what you want. Say how you are feeling. The results are very often postive.
  3. Always know the deities you are working with.  Don’t ask Eris or Odin for peace.  Get a good mythology reference and use it.
  4. Don’t invoke two or more dieties from different pantheons, especially not when they have different ideas on how to answer your prayer. Remember, Pax doesn’t wish to meet or work with Morrigan.
  5. Be nice to your spirit guides. They will help you if they are pleased with you, hinder you when not.
  6. Never leave anything up to the whims of the gods.  Take the time and effort to be very precise in what you ask for.
  7. Say nice things about your foes in public.
  8. Simple is better.
  9. Believe in magick.  It really does work.
  10. Everything that happens is an answered prayer.  Nothing is random.
  11. Don’t give the gods undeserved credit or blame.
  12. Wash your feet before and after you go barefoot.
  13. When asking for strength, do it standing up, not sitting or lying down.
  14. Always tell the truth, even when it is not pleasant.
  15. When you deliver unwelcome news, do not expect to be welcomed or appreciated.
  16. Read the latest books on spiritual matters.  Some may be nonsense, but it always helps to know the current New Age buzzwords.
  17. Running on Pagan Standard Time is an insult to those who depend on you.
  18. Draw pictures rather then write words.  There is a reason that ancient people used pictures.
  19. Proofread.  This is especially important in Spellcraft.
  20. Always be prepared to provide constructive criticism, but don’t offer it unless asked.
  21. If you gossip about someone, assume they will find out.
  22. Never confuse e-mail with reality.
  23. Find another coven and make friends with its members.
  24. When you leave a group, don’t take parting shots — even if justified.
  25. If you tell a sexist or racist joke, expect to be criticized.
  26. Don’t read from a book aloud to anyone unless they ask.
  27. If you are a leader, groom at least one successor.
  28. Never go anywhere without something to write on and a pen.
  29. Do the hard stuff first.
  30. Build and maintain an address list.  Make sure you have a mundane name, postal address, phone number and e-mail address for each person.
  31. Saying “I told you so,” even if you were right, is never appreciated.
  32. Back-up your computer’s disk often.
  33. Do not expect sympathy when you have a hangover.
  34. Don’t comment or point out someone else’s mistakes until you’ve corrected your own.
  35. A hearty belly-laugh is excellent stress relief.

 

Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny: Signs That You Are Addicted to Coffee

Signs That You Are Addicted to Coffee


  1. Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
  2. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
  3. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  4. You sleep with your eyes open.
  5. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  6. You lick your coffeepot clean.
  7. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  8. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  9. You can type sixty words a minute with your toes.
  10. You can jump-start your car without cables.
  11. Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
  12. You don’t sweat, you percolate.
  13. You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
  14. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  15. You’ve worn the finish off you coffee table.
  16. The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  17. Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house.
  18. You’re so wired you pick up FM radio.
  19. Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans.”
  20. Instant coffee takes too long.
  21. You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
  22. You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
  23. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
  24. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  25. The only time you look like you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

 

–Turok’s Cabana

Today’s Funny for January 11: The Cats’ Creation Story

The Cats’ Creation Story


On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created humans to serve the cat.

On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created toil so that humans could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and their humans broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox.

 

Source: Turok’s Cabana